new beginnings
A blank page before me, two months behind me…
Life’s upheavals are testing times. ‘What will you do with this one?’ I am saddened to report that I have not lived up to my expectations during this time of change.
Granted, within the span of the past six weeks:
1. Jae began a new job
2. I took on a new position
3. Gi began kindergarten
4. We sold our home
5. We bought a new home
6. We moved
7. I had two intense deadlines, one week before and one week after our move
There is a blindness that comes, for me, with pushing through such a time.
At first, before the real change, I move into a place apart; unbelieving that the change will come, but doing what is necessary to move toward it.
Next, as reality pushes in, comes the recognition that there is limited time in which to accomplish a seemingly unlimited amount.
Then, the crushing push of making everything happen. During this time, essentials seem remarkably difficult; cooking, sleeping, and yes, parenting (though it must happen in one way or another.) Once these boundaries have been pushed, once parenting (and cooking.. eating, even) has fallen off the map, begins the downward spiral from which it feels, particularly at this point, impossible to recover.
Finally, once the madness has appeared to cease, comes the fallout. Ungrounded by place, living still in physical chaos, each with our separate experience, we struggle to remember our connections, our responsibilities to each other.
Small routines do help, and since the boys are content in their school and daycare, this is a blessing. Waking, breakfast, leaving, returning, dinner, bedtime…. during the week, as we are all absent from the piles of boxes and reminders that life does happen here (clothes on the floor, books strewn about, crumbs on the table) these routines keep us grounded even as we struggle to grasp the new reality… This IS our home, our yard, our neighborhood, our new life….
Tonight, even after I had picked up the boys and made a quick stop for groceries, we arrived home in time for Jae to take them on a bike ride around the neighborhood (unheard of for a number of reasons at our last place.) I cooked dinner, and as I was putting it on the table, Gi came through the door:
“Mom, do you see the sunset!” (This also unheard of at the old house – in the valley, no sunset.)
I looked out the picture window, facing west, and saw a spectacular red sky. Gi climbed onto the couch, I sat next to him, and together we watched as it faded. Intense, beautiful, fleeting. A reflection of our lives.
Gratitude.
DNSN noticing
Today took of with a bang; a complete replay of the tantrum of thursday night. Jae lost it, and I ended up trying to shield Gi from his anger. A bad scene all around. We need a new approach; I’ll be taking this one to the forum. We did come out of it relatively unscathed, and proceeded to move on with our day. DNSN, however, was pretty much over. After the blowout of the morning, it was all I could do to keep my equilibrium. The rest of the day was good all around, until the evening. Gi is definitely working the defiance, which drives Jae crazy and leaves me at a loss of how to respond. I’d like to figure out how to send the message that it’s not an effective strategy, but I haven’t quite determined the best way to do that. It feels like a strange way to be ending this week, but perhaps it’s just more good information.
A few key points from the week:
1: I enjoy my children (and myself) so much more, when I don’t worry about what they are (or are not) doing.
2: I definitely believe that if I don’t make things happen in the house, nothing will happen.
3. When I can’t directly direct, I easily slip into other, subtler ways of interfering. Suggesting seems to be my current fave.
4. I have a deep-seated habit of ‘saving’ my children. It is unconscious, and I have to be hyper-aware to even notice when I’m doing it. Not doing it is almost painful. To make this change that will take immense willpower.
5. Izzy will do for himself in the kitchen if left alone, but he will never dress or undress himself without direction and/or help.
6. Gi will get dressed and undressed, and will wash himself, but will not often (although he will sometimes) help himself in the kitchen (unless sugar is involved.)
7. The space created by my backing off is beneficial for the entire family dynamic.
8. I notice that I experience a visceral response against having aggressive, confrontational, authoritarian reactions to my children’s behavior. I may still have these reactions, but it feels awful, and I have specific negative body responses when I do (restricted throat, tight jaw, clenched stomach, headache…) Yuck.
I’m really looking forward to taking this information with me as we move on to Buttons…..
something in the air? (saturday)
Great morning. Fabulous, terrific. Izzy had a bit of trouble adjusting, but ended up making his own pb&j again. When Gi came down, he brought out the nutella (I’m a bit amazed it took him this far into the week before he pulled it out) and, since we were completely out of bread, they ate it straight from their bowls.
Then it was a morning of free-play. Inside, outside, upstairs and down. The house was immaculate this morning; by 10am it was completely destroyed. Art supplies, dress-up clothes, fort-building materials…
This is what I want to know: is there something in the air? Yesterday, this dryly humorous mum wrote about her daughter climbing onto the roof of her car. Granted, this is quite a different situation (you’ll have to read her post to find out why) but it’s not something that happens every day, at least not at my house….
How did I deal with it (besides seeing it as a stealth photo op?) Um… I didn’t. The car was in the driveway. And honestly, besides lecturing or threatening, I couldn’t think what to do. Plus, I know I’m not the only parent dealing with this. That helps.
…friday
This morning I was so exhausted I was all over the interfering. My ability to monitor myself went completely out the window. Honestly, I don’t remember much. I remember Gi sopping bread in a bowl of syrup for breakfast, and Izzy making his own pb&j sandwich.
I began this post last night, before Gi had a meltdown that I was completely at a loss as to how to deal with. Everything seemed to be going well. They had decorated themselves from head to toe with magic marker on the car ride home; Gi with purple, Izzy with green (apparently he had experimented with the marker in his nose as well….) Dinner was a success, and the boys played for a bit afterward.
After a week without baths, I made the decision to move them in that direction. Sitting with Gi on the couch, I asked: “do you think that marker would turn the water purple in the bath?” “Yeah!” he replied. “Should we see?” He jumped up and in less than a minute was pouring bubbles into the bath. Izzy followed, got undressed, and they were both happy in the bath for about two minutes.
First, they argued about who had all the bubbles. Next, Izzy began splashing Gi and whipping his washcloth about. Then, they fought over the buckets. When Gi bit and scratched at Izzy, I let them know the bath was over. I lifted Izzy out first, wrapped him in a towel, and Jae came to take him upstairs. Next, I began lifting Gi out. He kicked and struggled, screaming that he wasn’t done. I let him know the bath was over, and got his towel.
Here’s where I stumbled…. I had him wrapped in the towel, carrying him out of the bathroom. All the while, he was kicking, thrashing, pinching, scratching me. I was reluctant to engage physically with him, but I also didn’t want to walk away and leave him alone with a full bathtub. So, I put him onto the couch, went back into the bathroom, and closed the door behind me. He continued screaming, and then began throwing heavy objects at the door (as we are currently trying to sell the house, gashes in walls and doors do cause some concern.) I stayed in the bathroom, but Jae came down. He let Gi know that throwing things was not acceptable and carried him upstairs, hoping (I think) to engage him in books and bedtime. No such luck. Gi then began throwing books at the walls and windows. I took Izzy into another room to read, and Jae stayed in the room with Gi, trying to help calm him and keep him from breaking windows.
Eventually, Izzy and I returned to the room. Bedtime resumed, and both boys went to sleep with barely a peep.
Whew. Still trying to figure out how I could have better handled that one.
ugh. (thursday)
This morning was difficult. I slipped a bit, but did manage to pull back and ultimately ended up with some good observations.
For the past two nights, I have had three hours of sleep. This made for a less than fully functioning mama this morning.
The boys were great. Gi did some whining at first, but once he had his raw oats with syrup, he recovered. Izzy had two courses. First, cereal straight from the jars in the closet. Next, a bowl of syrup when he discovered that Gi had finished the Oats.
For the most part, I did my thing and they did theirs. I was feeling a bit more pressure this morning from tiredness and also because we have to get the house ready to show tomorrow. So, cleaning was unavoidable today. I slipped into lecturing when they undid the cleaning I had done at one point, dumping the contents of the art closet on the floor. I lectured as I shoved (the operative word) everything back in. This led to a bit more interfering as I changed Izzy’s diaper without asking him and informed Gi that we would be leaving soon, whatever he had on his body. At this point I realized what I was doing, removed myself, and began packing up the car.
This seemed to move the action forward; Izzy joined me outside and, on one of my trips inside, Gi asked if I was going to put him into the car in what he was wearing (pullups and a t-shirt.) I said, “pretty soon,” and he scooted upstairs.
Not long after, we were on our way, on time.
Once in the car, they began to heckle me for their lunchboxes. I said no, thinking that they should live with the consequences of their semi-breakfast. They asked, and asked, and asked, and asked, and at that point my head was ready to explode.
I was feeling completely pushed and squeezed by the noise and the emotional angst, and then I realized what has been different for the past few days; that the biggest change I have noticed is the sense of space.
I recognized that, when heading into DNSN week, I gave myself permission to be late in the mornings, to live with mess, to expect chaos. This allowed me to relax about…. everything. Once I let all this go, it actually wasn’t difficult to let go of directing. The directing is about my perceived needs. Once those change, it’s not my first instinct. When I stop directing, everyone has more space. Interesting that when I let go of the need to control the mornings, we left relatively on time three out of four days.
Now, to tackle that niggly habit of reminding….
wednesday
Gi had a tough morning. As upbeat as yesterday morning was, today was equally difficult. He fell asleep at 5:30 last night, so I thought he’d be bright eyed this morning, as usually happens. Not. He slept until 7:45 and woke up whining.
Izzy had a characteristically happy morning. He asked for Oatmeal again. I asked if he would like to get it out of the cabinet, and when I came out of the bathroom he was standing at the counter, contentedly eating a bowlful of uncooked oats.
I had made my own breakfast by the time Gi woke and asked me to come up. I popped up to check in on him, and he also asked for oatmeal. I said I wouldn’t be making it for him today, and he asked if I would help him make it. Seemed reasonable, so I said yes and let him know I’d be downstairs. Once back in the kitchen, I realized that Izzy had eaten my breakfast (sneak) and started again.
When Gi came down, the fun really began….
Gi: “It’s really messy, who made this mess?”
Me: “Who made it?”
Gi: “Izzy”
Me: “Really?”
Gi: “you should clean it up”
Me: “No, sweetie, it’s DNSN, I can’t do anything.”
Gi: “I don’t like DNSN”
Me “why not?”
Gi: “I want you to go back to doing things for me again.” [BINGO]
I let him know that I won’t be going back to doing everything again. He asked why not, and I said it wouldn’t be fair to him if I did, he’s capable of doing so much for himself. “Well, I’m going to have as much maple syrup as I want.” (Can you hear the defiance?) Meanwhile, he got out his bowl, poured the oats, and took the maple syrup out. A bit of a struggle ensued as he tried to get me to pick up the container of syrup after it fell on the floor when he tried to throw it across from one counter to another. Five minute fit: “I’m tired! Pick it up!” Eventually, he got it, opened it (with some complaining about it being stuck), and began to pour. This is where I inwardly cringed, imagining a bowl filled to the brim (or overflowing) with maple syrup. But no, he poured, stopped, and began to mix and eat.
At this point, I began moving myself outside. We were officially late, and I had a meeting to get to. I breathed. Izzy followed me, ready to get into the car. I could hear Gi through his upstairs window, singing. (Noodling, I imagined.) I decided I just had to move him out, to get to my meeting on time. I went upstairs and, lo and behold, he was dressed! There was a book on the bed he had obviously been reading, and he asked if I would stay with him while he got his socks on. I did.
As we were leaving, I asked Gi if he had everything he wanted for the day. (There I go, reminding again…or is this just a leading question? I’m trying to define the line.) Response: “No,” pointing to the empty lunch bag. I agreed again to wait if he wanted to fill it, and went outside to the car. (Nearing an hour late now.) He came to the doorway, holding a watermelon, “mom! will you cut this?” I couldn’t say no. Once it was cut, I had to take myself outside again to avoid venting frustration about the time. (Not entirely successful, but I removed myself in time to avoid any major damage.) He came out quickly and got right into the car, one piece of watermelon in his lunchbox.
I later found out that he again told Jae on the way home that he was hungry and didn’t have anything left in his lunchbox. He said, “mommy won’t make my snack any more.”
I had a meeting again tonight, so didn’t take part in the evening routine. Looking forward to tomorrow!
animal crackers and raspberries for breakfast (tuesday)
Both boys slept through the obnoxiously loud beeping of the alarm clock this morning. Jae went in to say goodbye to Gi, which roused him a bit. I did my morning routine and then went up to get myself dressed. While up there, I interfered. I knelt by Gi and asked if he remembered what was happening today; he responded ‘It’s a Kelly day, and Ian’s birthday!’ (Kelly is our wonderful amazing home daycare provider, and Ian is her son.) At that point, Izzy woke up. He was ready to head downstairs. I invited Gi to come down with us; he opted to stay in bed.
Izzy immediately wanted Oatmeal for breakfast; I asked if he would take out what he needed to make it, and he headed over to the cabinet. At this point, Gi came down in pj’s and changed the plan: animal crackers for breakfast. Izzy waited while Gi doled out mounds of cookies. Again.
Neither of them ate much. Izzy did wander over to the fridge while I was making my own breakfast, and it was then he saw the raspberries. He proceeded to eat them standing there, with the refrigerator door open. Gi noticed, got interested, and joined him.
Lots of noodling ensued as I began to get things together to go. I showed Gi the clock and let him know when we would need to leave to get to Kelly’s on time, then continued with my own stuff.
Izzy decided to wear his pjs and the diaper he wore all night to daycare. He saw me moving my bags to the car, and wanted to carry his lunchbox (I did make his snack, but not Gi’s. Still trying to figure out if this feels ok.) He walked right out to the car, climbed into his seat, and waited. (Jaw hanging open here.)
Gi, meanwhile, got himself ready and was dressed with shoes on as I was bringing the final bags to the car (I lug a lot of stuff around every day.) As I was helping Izzy with his seat belt, I asked Gi if he had everything he needed for the day. He said no, not his lunchbox. I told him that I would be happy to wait if he wanted to go and pack it. He did, without complaint.
When he returned outside (carrying candy for both himself and his brother) he got directly into the car and proceeded to buckle his seat belt (more amazement.) They both ate the candy as we drove off.
As we were driving, Gi noted, ‘we didn’t have breakfast.’ ‘No,’ I replied, ‘you didn’t.’ I asked how he was feeling about that, and he said okay. Izzy then began to tear into his lunchbox (a daily driving ritual.) Gi noticed the difference between what Izzy had, and what he had. He said: I packed all sweet things. Hmmm. Later, Jae told me that on the way home Gi mentioned this to him (that he only had sweet things for snack.) Jae asked how that made his belly feel, and Gi said, ‘not so great.’ Good information.
I worked late, so wasn’t home for the evening routine.
Overall, I did far less reminding, nagging, and doing for this morning than usual, but still way too much interference. On to day three and another chance….
monday
I didn’t begin until after breakfast, wanting to give them a heads up on what was going on first. We did watch chapter one (as predicted, Gi was enthralled) and then talked a bit about it. Gi was totally excited. Right after we finished talking, he asked when I was going to get the duct tape. Izzy just jumped around a lot.
Gi has been asking for days to go swimming in a pool (not our usual venue), and today was the day. So, I let them know that I would be ready and waiting by 9:00 (when the big hand is straight up; they don’t yet tell time) and proceeded to get myself ready. Gi booked to prepare himself; Izzy not so much, but Gi moved him along. They were ready before I was, waiting for me in the car.
The swimming was not very DNSN; I go on high alert around a pool. But there was not much to nag about – pushing in the water was the one that I responded to viscerally, warning about leaving if it happened again. Otherwise, they were occupied and happy. When it was time to go, I did take Izzy out of the pool. Once out he was ready to get changed. Gi responded well to my request that he join us to change. It took him about three, maybe five, minutes to respond, but he did it gracefully and changed quickly (a group of us were all motivating, so the momentum helped I think.)
Next we went to the grocery store. That was awful. I SHOULD have left. I didn’t; no food in the house, I’m working all week, Jae is taking a class this week… I reasoned that I had to stay. It began with ‘mom, I want, can I have, etc’ I did stick with ‘do you have your allowance?’ We had eaten recently, but not enough. I recognized that nourishment was necessary, so picked up a good meal and we ate. It didn’t actually improve things, though. At this point I asked if they wanted to get out of the cart and help take things off the shelves that we needed. They did for a while, began to run rampant around the place (at which I nagged and lectured a bit) and then they asked to get back into the cart. It finished relatively smoothly. They fell asleep on the way home.
What comes next was my favorite part of the day. Gi dragged himself inside and laid around while Izzy slept in the car for another 10 minutes after we arrived home. Once he was up, the two of them lay on the rug together, not doing much, talking, rolling around, for about 5 minutes. Izzy said he was hungry, and Gi suggested animal crackers. He asked me directly if it was ok, and I said I couldn’t say either way. He said: ‘you can’t say anything today!’ and proceeded to take out the (huge) box of cookies and pour a mountain of them onto two plates. He kept checking to see if I was going to say something, but relaxed when he realized I wasn’t. Then they each launched into their own action, returning to their respective piles periodically. I unpacked groceries and their activity moved around me. It’s so rare that they entertain themselves (and separately) while I’m focused on something else. Usually, there’s a lot of tugging, running around the kitchen, screaming, etc. Eventually they moved outside.
This is where I got to really watch them, unobserved. It rocked. Izzy got onto the tricycle (conveniently left in front of the house) and pushed, and pushed, and pushed, until he got it going (one side has no pedal, so it can be challenging) YES! Gi came back into the house, put on a fleece jacket (over sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt; his uniform for the past month, even in 100 degree heat) and the wristies I knitted for him last winter. I watched as he went back outside and ventured into the blackberry bushes, about 2 1/2 feet, leaned down, and lifted up a ball! (backstory: arming himself for finding a ball in the prickers is something we did together about 6 weeks ago.) He returned inside, changed into his rain coat (fleece too warm…?) and his pink striped ‘worker man gloves’, found his scissors and went back out. When he came back in, he informed me that he had cut the prickers that were in the way when he was getting his ball out. I LOVE THIS!
Jae returned home for dinner. A bit of nagging ensued from us both during dinner and the before-bed routine. I let them know that I would be upstairs and ready to read a book until 7:15. They made it up, but then noodled around. I gave one time warning, and then Jae and I left them to put themselves to bed. They were fine with that; it’s a routine we’ve been in for the past week or so. When things got out of hand with the upstairs/downstairs visits, Jae went up and let them know that it was time to get into their own beds. They each took a book with them, and there was not a peep more.
Lots of noticing, many moments when I should have pulled out the duct tape but didn’t. I have a feeling I’ll need it in the morning; first day of the work week for me…
