…friday
This morning I was so exhausted I was all over the interfering. My ability to monitor myself went completely out the window. Honestly, I don’t remember much. I remember Gi sopping bread in a bowl of syrup for breakfast, and Izzy making his own pb&j sandwich.
I began this post last night, before Gi had a meltdown that I was completely at a loss as to how to deal with. Everything seemed to be going well. They had decorated themselves from head to toe with magic marker on the car ride home; Gi with purple, Izzy with green (apparently he had experimented with the marker in his nose as well….) Dinner was a success, and the boys played for a bit afterward.
After a week without baths, I made the decision to move them in that direction. Sitting with Gi on the couch, I asked: “do you think that marker would turn the water purple in the bath?” “Yeah!” he replied. “Should we see?” He jumped up and in less than a minute was pouring bubbles into the bath. Izzy followed, got undressed, and they were both happy in the bath for about two minutes.
First, they argued about who had all the bubbles. Next, Izzy began splashing Gi and whipping his washcloth about. Then, they fought over the buckets. When Gi bit and scratched at Izzy, I let them know the bath was over. I lifted Izzy out first, wrapped him in a towel, and Jae came to take him upstairs. Next, I began lifting Gi out. He kicked and struggled, screaming that he wasn’t done. I let him know the bath was over, and got his towel.
Here’s where I stumbled…. I had him wrapped in the towel, carrying him out of the bathroom. All the while, he was kicking, thrashing, pinching, scratching me. I was reluctant to engage physically with him, but I also didn’t want to walk away and leave him alone with a full bathtub. So, I put him onto the couch, went back into the bathroom, and closed the door behind me. He continued screaming, and then began throwing heavy objects at the door (as we are currently trying to sell the house, gashes in walls and doors do cause some concern.) I stayed in the bathroom, but Jae came down. He let Gi know that throwing things was not acceptable and carried him upstairs, hoping (I think) to engage him in books and bedtime. No such luck. Gi then began throwing books at the walls and windows. I took Izzy into another room to read, and Jae stayed in the room with Gi, trying to help calm him and keep him from breaking windows.
Eventually, Izzy and I returned to the room. Bedtime resumed, and both boys went to sleep with barely a peep.
Whew. Still trying to figure out how I could have better handled that one.
I love you so much right now. You totally kept your cool and good for you! I have much the same problem with my oldest. tantrums and better now that we are use PonT but we still have them occasionally. And it’s tough to let her carry on. She throws and hits things to engage me in a confrontation.
I wish I had the answer. The thing I do right now is grab the others and take them to the baby’s room when I sit myself with my back to the door and struggle to keep her out while comforting the others. I let her go and she does some damage. She knows she is doing it, tells me that she’s NOT going to pay for it.
Of course, if you are trying to sell your house you can’t let him do it. Maybe pack up the heavy objects and remove the books from his room. It is a privilege to have them there.
Tempers they are hard to deal with. Big hugs!
| Posted 1 year, 7 months agoNot that I’m happy you have to deal with this too, but it is helpful to hear that this stuff happens in other houses. So hard to imagine just letting him do damage. Jae feels that this so so clearly unacceptable behavior, there must be CONSEQUENCES. I have been hoping that talking with him at a time other than during a tantrum about how he might better express his anger and frustration might help. No luck yet, though I have tried. Need to think more about how to do that; he has small frequent outbursts of frustration that this might help with, as well.
| Posted 1 year, 7 months agoWow. If I had been running on as little sleep as you had, there is no way that scene would have ended well at all. So BIG kudos to you for keeping your cool.
| Posted 1 year, 7 months agoYou handled it just fine. I struggle too with ending a bad scene with my oldest – you can carry the little ones out – but 6 year olds (or 4 year-olds for that matter), it’s not so easy. So forgive yourself for what ever you think you may have done wrong – but from where I stand, you did nothing wrong.
Thank you! It’s true; this is really the first time I’ve moved his body when he’s lashing out physically. What I’m really trying to figure out is how to either avoid such an escalation in the future, or how to either de-escalate or cut it short. It’s so difficult to see him flailing in that way, frustrated and angry and completely out of control. I’ve tried to talk with him about how he might channel his anger in other ways, but so far I get ‘I don’t know.’
The immediate plan is to bathe them separately for a while. The close quarters seem to invite conflict. Doesn’t really address the issue, but helps to shift the pattern a bit.
| Posted 1 year, 7 months agoBathing separately is a good idea. I girls rarely bath together anymore. I usually bath the smaller one first then she can get ready for bed without interference from the older one.
Talking didn’t help us. I think I need to teach them how to express their feelings better. My sister has a book she likes called Peace Making Skills for Little Kids. She says it’s good, I haven’t looked at it yet. They have a website: http://peaceeducation.org/
Ultimately I walked away. When my oldest figured out that no amount of pounding, yelling, screaming, threatening etc was going to get me out of that bedroom her tantrums dropped dramatically. I’m talking from 2-4 times a day to once a month to now once in a blue moon. Seriously! It’s what Vicki told me to do. Now I understand you are trying to sell your house and your husband believes there should be consequences. The question is what are they? Sit down and talk to each other first. Ask Vicki on the forum. Then explain to him what they are. Well. maybe Vicki would say ask him what he thinks they should be. I don’t know. The last explosive tantrum we had some big boys heard her outside and made fun of her. She stopped pretty quick. Nothing like a healthy does of embarrassment to nip it in the bud.
I want you to know how much I look up to you for really digging in this week. I did not do as well. I think I’m going to give it a few more days with actual tape over my mouth.
Posted 1 year, 7 months ago