button: defiance
Something we’ve had a lot of around here recently.
What I’m realizing is that my response to it has changed greatly since beginning PonT. Now, when Gi says, “you’re not the boss of me!” I think to myself, “you’re right…” and am at a loss as to what to do next.
We had a morning full of hooks (or buttons) today; Gi taunting his brother, calling him names, calling me names, noodling. I so see how he’s testing me, watching to see how I will respond.
If I ignore it, will it really go away? That’s where my button comes in. [I must do something about this!]
A: Defiant or directly challenging behavior
B: He will become a bully, never respect anyone (including himself), always be aggressive and defensive, push people away, lead a generally unhappy life, not find any peace or fulfillment
C: I either do everything I can to convince him to change his behavior (i.e. give it too much attention) and stress that I’m playing into his negative patterns, or ignore the behavior and stress that I’m sending him the message that he can ‘get away’ with it. Either way, I stress that I’m doing the wrong thing. Overall, I’m stressed out about it (could ya tell?)
D: He is testing to see where his place in the family is. Right now, he’s definitely relying on negative behavior to get attention.
E: I love this boy, and I can show him how important he is in real ways, without pandering to his use of negative behavior to garner attention. He’s only 4 years old, and we have time to work with this.
Somehow, I’m not certain this gets to the heart of it. It’s a start, but I may re-visit this over the week.
I asked Vicki one time what she does with defiance. She said she encourages it.
WHAT! Then she explained. She said a defiant child will not get pushed around by his/her peers. When the crowd wants to do something stupid (drink, drugs etc) they will look at their friends and be like “Whatever! If you want to do something stupid go ahead. I’m out!” They will also stand up for their friends and be very loyal. At least that’s what I remember hearing and thinking, “Right! That’s how I reframe defiance!” So I let things be most of the time. I walk away and you know what, most of the time she comes around. And I’m talking about my 5 year old. She can stand up to me and her older sister. But is as agreeable as can be if asked nicely or given the option NOT to do something.
| Posted 1 year, 7 months agoWow, that puts a different spin on things! I need to know more about this. Walking away seems to be the only way I can figure how to deal with it, so I’m glad to hear the confirmation about that.
This is certainly food for thought; thank you for the insight!
| Posted 1 year, 7 months agoWalking away is always a good thing – no matter the situation, and I always manage to underestimate the power of it! Those little ones get it too, they completely understand what it says when someone turns and heads the other direction.
Posted 1 year, 7 months agoGreat post, it got me thinking a ton!
Yeah, Fiora started this early (at 2 years), I remember asking her to do something and she said, “No!” Not an ambiguous no! And I remember not wanting to be pulled into an argument, not wanting to grab the other end of that rope that I imagine in my mind when I engage in a “fight”, the rope the child just extended to me. So I walked away for a second, then found her and tickled her and let her know she was okay…and she ended up doing what I had asked. And in retrospect, I realized that I had just stepped over requesting into nagging – she KNEW what to do when she peeled a banana, the peel went in the compost, and she was rebelling at my condescension (she’s definitely a power child). She was sending me a message the best way she could. It was really revealing, and I still thank whatever good fortune led me to act the way I did…despite my left brain telling me that I rewarding inappropriate behavior! In fact, I was encouraging a relationship, and she really responded to it. It’s something I still sometimes forget, and it’s good to be reminded. Sometimes, honoring her rebelliong is just acknowleding that shes sleepy and cranky, sometimes, it’s a road to communication for us. Can’t wait to hear where this leads for y’all. Loved the stuff about the good in rebellion from Vicki!
| Posted 1 year, 7 months agoMy DH and I have been talking quite a bit about this defiance thing…since my youngest boy got back from his dad’s, pretty much everything is “NO!” but then if I ignore, he’ll go ahead and do what I asked. This is fine with me, but pushes my husband’s buttons like crazy. I say that I’d rather have him say no but then do what I’ve asked, than say yes but not do it (as some of our other kids do on a regular basis.) He says that it’s crazy that a kid can be that rude and disrespectful with no “consequences”. My argument is twofold: that I am more concerned about building a relationship than with “winning”, and that there’s not actually anything good that will come from a power struggle. And this is a kid who will push back as hard as he is pushed. So it’s been interesting to have the conversations…made both more difficult and easier by the fact that this kid is mine and not my husband’s…more difficult because my husband doesn’t love him the way I do, but easier because it means that I’m doing most of the hands-on parenting of him, and so he’s not getting radically mixed messages from our behavior.
| Posted 1 year, 7 months agoJae has the same frustration about Gi being disrespectful with no ‘consequences’. My response isn’t half as well presented as yours seems to be; I will give it a better try, next time. Co-parenting is so challenging; recognizing my own buttons and respecting those of the other parent (particularly when they push other buttons….)
| Posted 1 year, 7 months ago